There are three people that I say ‘I love you‘ to. My brother, my boyfriend and my aunt. No one else unless it really calls for it, like when my best friend gets dumped or my friend is having a really bad night. I’ve never been the person to say it very often nor was I ever really comfortable saying those three words out loud. I love my parents a hell of a lot but I very rarely say these three words to them. It’s almost like I’m scared to say them in case something happens and I can’t say it again. It sounds weird, some would say its normal or a good thing to not just through around the words ‘I love you‘ because it loses its meaning if said too often.
I went through a phase where I would say ‘I love you‘ to my parents before bed and I would keep saying it until they said it back because I was so paranoid that it could be the last time I say it to them and I wanted them to know that I do in fact love them. It sounds morbid at best, I know, but it was something that helped me sleep at night and kept me from having panic attacks or crying myself to sleep ‘because I forgot to say it’.
That was a fair few years ago. Once that phase ended I went through another phase where I refused to say it before sleeping for fear that I’d jinxed myself and my family and that me saying those three short words would be the reason that something bad happened. I literally scared myself out of saying the three most important words.
Now I’m at a point in my life where I want to say it but half of the time I can’t bring myself to say it or I feel uncomfortable saying it because it’s been such a long time since the last time I did say it.
I don’t fully know why I can’t bring myself to say it, I’d love to know why but for the time being all I can say is that even though I hardly ever say it or say it back, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you, because I love you very much, I’m just not ready to say it to you directly.